tomorrow i will begin, yes..... i will begin then

i love wendell berry. period.

2010-03-25T12:47:00.000-07:00

He writes about real people. like, real people. with life and breath. however, somehow they aren't.
his people are in a fictional place called Port William, Kentucky.

The best novel I have read lately is Jayber Crow. Please, check it out at the library.

And Mr. Jayber Crow is one of the most thoughtful characters I’ve read about in any book. He’s a homespun philosopher, and better yet, a loving man.

a few quotes:

"And this is what is was like—the words were just right there in my mind, and I knew they were true: ‘the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God move upon the face of the waters.’ I’m not even sure that I can tell you what was happening to me then, or that I know even now. At the time I surely wasn’t trying to tell myself. But after all my years of reading in that book and hearing it read and believing and disbelieving it, I seemed to have wandered my way back to the beginning—not just of the book, but of the world—and all the rest was yet to come. I felt knowledge crawl over my skin.”

“And I knew that the Spirit that had gone forth to shape the world and make it live was still alive in it. I just had no doubt. I could see that I lived in the created world, and it was still being created. I would be part of it forever. There was no escape. The Spirit that made it was in it, shaping it and reshaping it, sometimes lying at rest, sometimes standing up and shaking itself, like a muddy horse, and letting the pieces fly. I had almost no sooner broke my leash than I had hit the wall.”

"I have come to the age now where I can see how short a time we have to be here. And when I think about it, it can seem strange beyond telling that this particular bunch of us should be here on this little patch of ground in this little patch of time, and I can think of other times and places I might have lived, other kinds of man I might have been. But there is something else. There are moments when the heart is generous, and then it knows that for better or worse our lives are woven together here, with one another and with the place and all the living things."

“Nearly everything that has happened to me has happened by surprise. All the important things have happened by surprise. And whatever has been happening usually has already happened before I have had time to expect it. The world doesn’t stop because you are in love or in mourning or in need of time to think. And so when I thought I was in my story or in charge of it, I really have been only on the edge of it, carried along. Is this because we are in an eternal story that is happening partly in time?”

ahhhh..... so wonderful

wednesday.

2010-03-10T10:31:00.000-08:00

wow, i forget what it's like to wake up with the sound of the birds.
[what kind of bird are you? i wish i could see out my basement window....]

trying to write now, with the sound of the birds.

the dog next door decided to join..... or start dying.

not sure what's happening over there.
but it's been half an hour...of howling.
i'm worried about the well-being of this animal.

putting on music...... now

oh, blog.

2010-02-07T14:36:00.000-08:00

i forget about you.
and why you are even here.

why did i start you in the first place?

seems strange, and extremely unnecessary.

maybe i'll give ya another go.

2009-01-19T14:56:00.000-08:00

the pieces that i've clutched
trying to make it all fit
the ache and strain of
figuring it all out
against the wind
against the fathers
the resistance giving me purpose

released and fall
trembling, tumbling
the pieces fall through my fists
palms pressing upward
then down on the cold, barren floorboards

grandness meets detail
beauty revealed under its guise of death

smaller and smaller my worn-out humility
at every instant greater and easier to surrender

lately.

2009-01-16T21:20:00.000-08:00

i love with my hand, not my heart.
when i draw your face,
my fingers trace your lips.
crossing a page, my hand keeps
contours; i know that art
is edges.
closely bound shapes,
always flirting with more
than i am willing to give.
lines-- moving, changing
running, following; trying
once again to leave.

and then i leave.
i'm always the one who leaves.
there's no freedom in it
or in fear:
my heart's not mine.

2008-12-09T09:54:00.001-08:00

MISSED him when the sun began to bend;
I found him not when I had lost his rim;
With many tears I went in search of him,
Climbing high mountains which did still ascend,
And gave me echoes when I called my friend;
Through cities vast and charnel-houses grim,
And high cathedrals where the light was dim,
Through books and arts and works without an end,
But found him not--the friend whom I had lost.
And yet I found him--as I found the lark,
A sound in fields I heard but could not mark;
I found him nearest when I missed him most;
I found him in my heart, a life in frost,
A light I knew not till my soul was dark.

2008-11-29T00:37:00.000-08:00

he accepts the circle speech
and so resolves himself
and is reabsorbed into a higher equation
above it all
he finds himself
or sees something greater than
he could ever imagine

2008-11-24T11:33:00.001-08:00

but a clean sweep of space
stretches before her
an open field of wilderness and want
she's always like this-- the age old hunger
retracing her steps and always
comes back in half shadows

---
our stained hands
reach and return
empty

the walls of broken blue glass break like circles of water in the sea
refined by beauty and light
beauty in the brokenness
the cracks and holes

2008-11-22T20:50:00.000-08:00

The earthly desires men cherish are shadows.
There is
[no true happiness]
in fulfilling them.
Why, then, do we continue to pursue joys without substance?
Because the pursuit itself has become our only substitute for joy. Unable to rest in anything we achieve,
we determine to forget our discontent in a ceaseless quest for new satisfactions. In this pursuit, desire itself becomes our chief satisfaction.

thomas merton
(from The Ascent to Truth)

2008-11-19T19:46:00.000-08:00

last night you were there.
my dream as real as my headache
the next morning.

2008-11-18T18:55:00.001-08:00

Listen! I will be honest with you;
I do not offer the old smooth prizes, but offer rough new prizes;
These are the days that must happen to you:

You shall not heap up what is call'd riches,
You shall scatter with lavish hand all that you earn or achieve,
You but arrive at the city to which you were destin'd--you hardly
settle yourself to satisfaction, before you are call'd by an
irresistible call to depart,
You shall be treated to the ironical smiles and mockings of those who
remain behind you;
What beckonings of love you receive, you shall only answer with
passionate kisses of parting,
You shall not allow the hold of those who spread their reach'd hands
toward you.

-walt whitman

2008-11-11T11:45:00.000-08:00

I believe in prayer. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe that there is an immanent/transcendent/Divine Love/Truth/Mystery/Nameless Other/more than we can think and know that hears and answers our prayers. I believe with Alfred Lord Tennyson that “more things are wrought by prayer than this world dreams of.”

2008-11-09T17:03:00.000-08:00

The possibility lies within perception, and perception is learned.

2008-11-06T23:17:00.000-08:00

light pouring,
filtering into the dusty room.
my eyes following the cracks on the floor,
as they break apart never to meet again.
the stillness interrupted.
always interrupted.

meteor shower tonight....

2008-11-05T20:56:00.000-08:00

the abridged version: i like the distraction of the stars.

2008-11-03T19:47:00.000-08:00

Wasteland is empty

But full in grief and love

Where darkness gives way to light

Where time absolves all pain

Pain from guilty betrayal

Of vows said in haste

And in youth

Wasteland is empty

But it is now full

Life teeming

With honesty and integrity’s approval.

unbalanced.

2008-11-03T19:42:00.000-08:00

To Balance.

Is to sway most frantic

No stillness in its maintenance

Only static and chaotic notions—mechanic

To balance

Is to sway

To grapple

Bend

Yield

Make way

Sumbit

To balance

Is to master

The composition—of chaos

And its illusory dominance

2008-10-28T02:03:00.001-07:00

2008-10-22T22:17:00.000-07:00

I feel like a wind up toy
completely coiled
on a string, being held back
until the exact right moment.
I can feel my fingers and toes swelling up
with anticipation and a life of their own,
aware of the truth that
they were indented to be fulfilling some other role.
I am here, because I am here.
but I have never felt more ready,
more surrendered and
more certain
that there is more.
an entire huge way to be used and
I would like shot off by a canon into the appropriate direction.
please?
thanks.

today

2008-10-21T00:17:00.000-07:00

"A day can really slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do."
-Calvin & Hobbes

2008-10-16T14:23:00.000-07:00

There are things that I love, truly love. It's hard to pinpoint them, muchless cultivate them into life, but they're there. Tangible yet elusive, beautiful yet tattered, and passionate to the point of insanity.

2008-10-16T14:00:00.000-07:00

the little things, the broken things
that unravel the deep red thread
that cinches the reality of the past few months
{or was it years?}
like sutures in a wound that refuses to heal
more bandages and more socks
more optimism and more
glasses that are half full.
((It all makes sense
in some messed up way in
which it doesn't make sense at all.
{Trying to comprehend the logistics of the everyday;
transforming it all into something beautiful---
I long for the hidden track.}))

happy, happy

2008-10-13T21:44:00.001-07:00

so, i now realize how negative my postings have been.
(rather someone told me they were)

i'm really not a pessimistic person, am i?

naaaaah.

life is good.

safe or free

2008-10-13T00:11:00.000-07:00

there are days that i wish would never end.

2008-10-12T23:16:00.000-07:00

i'll choose west, you choose east
and we'll live inside of
our shades of gray

loaded questions and empty promises
all i want is for you to see me.
to really see... ME.

elbows on the table
and i could wait here all night
to hear from you,
to read those words you send over and over

..

week-end

2008-10-11T17:13:00.000-07:00

This frantic pace of
chasing happiness and
sharing myself whole
where smiles once spilled
over into the burnt
edges
calling me into something more
something
more.

something bigger, and truer, and lovelier
of hope and and changed lives
of running free through joys and upsets

always choosing
never knowing
but always love, love, loving.

just like so

2008-10-08T23:55:00.001-07:00

you know that feeling when there is so much to tell, that you can't even begin. ..
but then the longing to connect is so strong, and the distance starts to feel so deep?
{Since we are not just sitting
side by side
and able to say it with eyes
and sideways glances...}
it will come just like so
that's how I feel.
just waiting for the open space, when I know what to say.
and missing inbetween
I forget that I can admit overwhelm and not-knowing.

just like so.

grass that is blue

2008-10-06T16:16:00.000-07:00

i went to the San Fransisco Bluegrass festival this past weekend..... and can i say: amazing.
iron and wine was there, and sam beam once again blew me away with the first song. my favorite.

2008-10-06T15:37:00.000-07:00

Like the water
of a deep stream,

love is always too much.

We did not make it.
Though we drink till we burst,
we cannot have it all,
or want it all.

In its abundance
it survives our thirst.

It does not hold us,
except we keep returning to its rich waters
thirsty.

you should probably watch this...

2008-10-06T15:36:00.001-07:00

http://www.storyofstuff.com/

yes,

2008-10-02T21:56:00.000-07:00

my pops is amazing.
i'm not sure if i know someone who gives so much--who just radiates so much genuine compassion. he is truly an inspiration to me.

THIS was on the front page of the local paper

"Wreck" and "rise above"

2008-10-02T14:43:00.001-07:00

by Eleanor Wilner

Because of the first, the fear of wreck,
which they taught us to fear (though we learned
at once, and easily),
because of the wreck
that was expected (and metal given velocity
and heft to assure it)—
we became adepts in
rise above: how many versions: the church
steeple that took the eye straight up to
heaven (though it seemed snagged on
the cross-beam of that cross, torn blue
at the top, where sense leaked out). And
rise above, transcendence, on that higher
plane, the vertical direction of virtue (a bony
finger pointing up to where matter dissolves
into distaste for it);
the space program, expensive
tons of rocket (soon to be debris) fired off
the planet's crust at anything out there, pocked
moon, red rocky Mars, ever the upward
urge, carved in the marble arch of the old library
door under which generations passed,
hoping to rise above it all—

like the woman the magician levitates
over the table, her body floating an unlikely
inch or two above the velvet-draped plateau...
watch her hovering, weightless,
the crowd staring
in wonder, the trick of the thing still hidden,
and the magician doing something now
with his hands, a flurry of brilliant
silk in the air, as she floats
in the endlessness of art,
the magician
still waving his scarves, the air a bright
shatter of wings, doves from a hat,
our disbelief suspended,
while below, the wrecks accumulate:
scrap yard, broken concrete slabs, and
all those bodies not exempt from gravity,
beneath our notice as we ride
above it all, like froth on a wave
that will be water falling by the ton,
soon, when the tide turns.

sept.

2008-09-29T20:56:00.000-07:00

i hurt.

clutching questions with no answers,
uncertainties
amount to everything

always avoiding,
turning and twisted away
from what you are trying to tell me.
i hang up the phone and
shut the window
shutting my eyes
holding my breath and
wondering why i feel so alone

falling in love with wendell berry.... again.

2008-09-25T13:12:00.000-07:00

The Slip

The river takes the land, and leaves nothing.
Where the great slip gave way in the bank
and an acre disappeared, all human plans
dissolve. An awful clarification occurs
where a place was. Its memory breaks
from what is known now, begins to drift.
Where cattle grazed and trees stood, emptiness
widens the air for birdflight, wind, and rain.
As before the beginning, nothing is there.
Human wrong is in the cause, human
ruin in the effect - but no matter;
all will be lost, no matter the reason.
Nothing, having arrived, will stay.
The earth, even, is like a flower, so soon
passeth it away. And yet this nothing
is the seed of all - the clear eye
of Heaven, where all the worlds appear.
Where the imperfect has departed, the perfect
begins its struggle to return. The good gift
begins again its descent. The maker moves
in the unmade, stirring the water until
it clouds, dark beneath the surface,
stirring and darkening the soul until pain perceives new possibility.
There is nothing
to do but learn and wait, return to work
on what remains. Seed will sprout in the scar.
Though death is in the healing, it will heal.

-wendell berry

i love these places

2008-09-24T20:10:00.001-07:00

the best food.

the best beer.

the best veggies.

i dream in color

2008-09-24T13:10:00.001-07:00

my life consists of dreaming.
of visions of what i want, but am so scared to actually reach out for.
for people, and love, and community.
in creating, and fighting for, and enjoying love.

i envision running toward, not away.
i see how perfect love drives out fear.

my dreams are colorful, vibrant, free, limitless.

thousands of pictures, of words, of memories, of laughs.

the past, the present, the future
bursting with life

the love, mercy, grace, and promise that the Lord gives me.

my dreams are beautiful, but i'm longing to wake up.

[I’ll trust when I can see.

I’ll love when I am safe.
I’ll try when I can win.
I’ll speak when you understand.]

2008-09-24T12:56:00.000-07:00

california stars

2008-09-23T22:39:00.001-07:00

I'd like to rest my heavy head tonight
On a bed of California stars
I'd like to lay my weary bones tonight
On a bed of California stars
-wilco

that one night

2008-09-23T22:21:00.000-07:00

5.13.08
You tell me to wait
And throughout the entire drive
I sit and impatiently sigh (inside)
The negative thoughts circling and building
The leather seat sticks to the back of my legs
And I assume the worst

Surface words and smiles
Fighting the urge to run away
To tear down this dark street
Stripping away my attachments
Throwing them on the wet pavement
Convincing myself its not fear

The wind rattles around your car
Forcing its way through my half-open window
Warm air swirls through the empty backseat
Filling the space between us
My eyes close as my hair whips around my face
This seatbelt anchoring me to reality

So I wait.

And wait.

Hours, days, weeks.
With tears, questions, laughs, dreams.
Then I finally see.

For just a moment of clarity
It’s worth a thousand muddled thoughts
To be able to see the big picture
It’s worth the fight, and all these
Confusing and heavy conversations
The rough drafts and the sleepless nights

I see.
Completely.
And Clearly.

2008-09-19T22:17:00.001-07:00

i couldn't sleep last night.
every now and then i get these overwhelming emotions.
like there is more.
more to life.
an urgency to.... do something.
be give, and to love.
not just a warm fuzzy love feeling..
like a painful, overwhelming, consuming ache.

i just wish i knew what is was.

_____________________

5.4.08

Apprehension

Ascending

Becoming more entwined within

Be careful

Cautious

Becoming secure and stable

Wistful

Wanting

Becoming an observer

2008-09-19T22:11:00.000-07:00

You, remind me of home.

2008-09-14T00:35:00.001-07:00

i'm back!

2008-09-14T00:30:00.000-07:00

so, i am back in the states... and i am now in a new state.
california.

it's beautiful here.
i could just sit and watch the ocean for hours....

blessed

2008-07-20T07:04:00.000-07:00

due to the lack of internet availability, i have been terrible at keeping my blog up to date!
i am so sorry!
things here have been going amazingly well.
we finished up the english camp at the end of June, and then proceeded to work at 2 Gypsy camps, one in Ukraine, which was residential (the kids camp to stay for the whole week) and then the other in Southern Hungary, which was a day camp.
We have finished the camps, and have a week of rest and some traveling before we come home a week from tomorrow.
Jillian and I had such wonderful experiences. Worked with some amazing people that truly inspired us with their passion for the Lord and for kids. We met and fell in love with so many little kiddos, it was so hard to leave without being able to promise that we would be back.
I have taken so much away from this summer, I am blown away by the way the Lord teaches us through experiences.
Although the next step of my life is still shadowed by the unknown, I am confident that trusting in the Lord is enough.

We are in Prague now. Seeing the historic sites. sitting in coffee shops. reflecting on the past 6 weeks. and looking forward to seeing our friends and family in a week.

thanks for those who have been checking this and thinking of and supporting me.
I truly, truly love you and am so thankful for you all. (even if that is just you, mom)

love
cal

Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them saying:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

(sorry)

2008-06-22T10:52:00.000-07:00

wow. so I am pretty terrible at blogging.
I always knew this, but I think it finally got to be something I really dreaded, and would avoid completely as I get online to check my email.
Not because I am lazy or don't have anything to say... Mostly because there is too much, and not words to describe the days that I am experiencing right now.

Right now I am sitting in a small Christian boarding school where I am teaching English to a class of 30 students from ages 15-17 years old. This is the same school in the same village where I came in 2003 and taught for a few months, as well as again in 2005 with a group of college students.

The mornings we are in class from 8 to 1 pm, and then in the afternoons we play soccer or something outside. I also brought crafts and some art supplies, so we have time to just do whatever... The other afternoon we went to the nearest hospital where we visited abandoned babies. These babies (some are up to 2 years old) are being held here until they can be placed in an orphanage-- but until that time, there is hardly any staff to care for them, with just a barely scheduled diaper change every couple of hours. These poor babies, some with mild to severe developmental disabilities due to isolation or to lack of affection or even any physical contact. So we went just to hold the babies.. talk to them... sing to them... my heart just broke for them, and it was so hard to leave. We will go back a few times before we leave. I think I got a little too attached to this 18 month old boy.. he couldnt use his legs at all, or support his head too well, but he had the biggest smile and the most beautiful green eyes. It's hard to look at such a young, helpless baby and still try to have a hope for a good life for him here.... It breaks my heart to see such sadness and sin in this world, and I just prayed over him for something better...

I absolutely love the students here. Teaching is very challenging for me, mostly due to the language barrier, but I've realized that it is also something I love very much. We arrived here last Monday, and it is sad to think that we only have a week left of teaching.
There are alot of the same teachers that I got to visit with again-- it was such a joyful thing to get to greet them again, and to be remembered.
5 years ago God brought me to this village, and I left thinking-- why? why here? and at the same time, thinking I would never be back. And now 5 years later, and I am back for the 3rd time...

Next week we will start the childrens day camp for the Gypsy children. The Gypsy (or Roma) people are a very discriminated against ethnic group in Eastern Europe. Not too many people are aware of them, nor really have an accurate picture and history of the Roma people. It is a very complex issue here, but they are extremely poor and are living in thrid world conditions in a country where most people (even Christians) hate them. Most are unemployed and often beg for food and money, and prostitution is very high. But there is still hope there, especially in the children, and there are some great organizations that are doing so much for these people.

So things are going very well here...
I will try to write more consistently! :)

LOVE
cal

2008-06-11T03:30:00.000-07:00

5.14.08
By myself, but not alone
I crawl into your space
A place that fills the air around me
And floods through and fills my heart

I simply stay
Why is it so hard sometimes
To be in just one place
In overwhelming silence

You have pursued me
Like no one ever has, nor will
You have seen into the depths
And called me beloved

I am yours
I belong to you

munich..or münchen...

2008-06-08T10:24:00.000-07:00

well, we made it here, with almost no problems at all. (despite the fact that we nearly missed our overseas flight... but i'm partly being dramatic)
what i mean was, we had to "jog" to our flight... not necessarily sprint Home Alone style.
all in all, the flight was fine.. watched some great movies. i did the drama then romantic comedy combo (definitely,maybe and under the same moon) and it could be the lack of sleep and the high altitude, but i loved them and highly recommend both.
we had a bit of an adventure finding the hostel that we had booked. but in my mind it just turned into an excellent opportunity to really, really get to know the public transportation here in Munich.
The afternoon was beautiful, as we put our stuff in our room and set off to explore the city. we had to represent America well--- by, of course, sporting the "short pants" (shorts)..... (dont worry, we left the sandals with the socks at home) which turned out to be a bad idea when the clouds suddenly turned...and it became a little chilly and started sprinkling. and it was only then that we realized that everyone around us was dressed in their warm winter clothes. i was impressed. impressed that somehow they knew it was going to drop from a gorgeous 78 degrees to a damp 63 (or something). So at that point, we just had a few goals: 1. get warm, 2. get food, 3. get internet, 4. figure out the dollar to euro ratio before we became broke, 5. get to bed early.
well, we got some wonderful gyros in our belly (after we ran to our room to get jackets) and now we are purusing the local internet cafe....so all is left is some simple math and my bed.
a few things that i have noticed is: 1. Germans love ice cream. they form lines around the block just to get a few scoops of the stuff. and 2. Germans really know how to treat their cyclists. complete bike paths most places in the city, full freedom to leave your bike anywhere and never lock it up.... the city is full of cyclists and makes me really wish i had a bike over here. we thought about renting one for the day for 9 euros, but we decided against it.... we need to stop pretending like we can actually spend money.
we are trying to find a cheaper hostel for tomorro night, but its not looking too great. looks like im sleeping on the streets tomorrow! (kidding, mom)
our hostel where we are staying tonight is in a wonderful little area a few stops from the city center very close to a little courtyard with dozens of little cafes everywhere. i absolutely love it.
so the jet lag hasnt affected me too much. Jillian felt it a bit, but shes s definite trooper.
but for now, all i am looking forward to is a nice sleep... and a full day to enjoy a bit of Munich before we are off to the next stop on our way to Hungary!

love
cal

bye, columbia

2008-06-07T09:15:00.000-07:00

I'm about ready to walk out the door on the way to the airport.
everything has gone smoothly in preparation, and I am praying that would continue through the 3 flights we will have before Munich.

Thanks so much to everyone who has supported me, and who is praying for me.
Words cannot express my appreciation..

Well, and I'm off!

love, cal

it's here....

2008-06-06T09:11:00.000-07:00

i'm finally leaving.
tomorrow afternoon, along with another woman who is teaching, i'll fly out of st. louis-- arriving in munich, germany on sunday.

there are so many thoughts today as i am packing up my backpack, and preparing to leave.

there is a definite sadness of leaving columbia (summers in columbia are just beautiful), leaving my job at the ARC, and knowing that i will be out of touch with certain people for nearly 8 weeks.
but there is also an overwhelming excitement.

i'm ready.
i'm ready to step out again. in faith. in trust.
and to embark on an experience in which i cannot even begin to know what to expect. nor will i pretend that i know.

we will take the train from munich to budapest (where we will be picked up to take us to the village where we will be teaching), stopping a few days along the way in vienna, austria and ostrava, czech republic.

i'll be attempting to stay consistent with blogging-- feel free to leave me comments, or email me at calliehansen@gmail.com

here we go.

2008-04-28T19:24:00.000-07:00

well, there have been some great trips in the past few years.....
i have been so blessed with all the opportunities i have had to travel.
lately i have created blogs while i am away, for people to keep track of me (ok, mostly for my mom)

however, somehow i always delete my blog after the trip is over.

why do i do this? i'm not quite for sure.
maybe it's a part of the experience, moving on. sometimes i tend to segment and compartmentalize my life. into phases and stages.
but the more i think about it.... the more i think that the stories of where we have been truly affect us.
the journey. it builds and it flows. from experience to experience. relationship to relationship.

remembering where we come from and where we have been are intricately tied to who we are.

the majority of my trips to europe, africa, jamaica, nearly 48 states in the US.... have shaped my life and my passion for seeing new places, expanding my vision and awareness of this world, and encountering people that have truly changed my life.

so this blog will stay.

to look back. to reflect. mostly just for me. but i'd love to share it with you.

soo here it is.

love. cal.